The illusion,theories, thought and beliefs of Nate

Buzzing....

2006-06-23T05:27:00.000+10:00

Well everyone it 5.30 in the morning and i am buzzing.... i just got bak from elevation and what can i say it was pretty shit due to something happening but it doesnt matter... its been awhile since i have blogged but i guess i have been rellie hectic and busy trying to org. my trip... i will be leaving in 2 days YAY i guess it has not kiked in yet that i am going away on a real holiday not like the past where its oinly like 4-5 days i can actually go in holiday mode...

Anyways whats been happening since.. well i have been talkin to my uncle in H Kong which i have always looked up to in my life because he knows a lot, hes achieved alot, hes succesful and also he is understanding.. Anyways people he has offered me a job in Hong Kong with his company being a consultant where he wants to train me up and then after a year he will be moving to new york with the company and he wants me to go with him... The verdict is i accpect i am going there to check it out and sus it out but i think i have alrdy made up my mind... why do you ask>???? DOnt get me wrong i have a lot of things to stop me from going.. my family, my friends, familarity and etc etc but i think i have come to a new chapter in my life where i have to move on...

I feel that if i stay here in melb i am not gonna acheive anything and keep running around in circles so this will be the best choice for my future, my career and also my life... This is a great opportunity and i guess i have to sieze it while i can.... I will miss my family and friends but at the same time i have to come o reality i have had enough fun and playing around its time to settle down and get my shit together....... I need to make something more of my life now then what it is... and honestly if i stay here i will keep saying i will change and do something but i know i wont i will just keep wasting time... at least if i go h kong it a new life where i will have to work from scratch and start a fresh...

Ohhh ive met someone as well ... she is korean she is a friends friend... we have been spending not much time together but seeing each other at least once a day even though for couple of minutes... she seems nice, bit hard cause her english is not how should i say it fluent.... but it feels good in a way after so long that i can look forward to seing someone and just spend a little bit of timae with them... its nothing serious very casual but i like it like that no strings attached no expectations if we can see each other then thats ok if busy then we dont meet simple.....
I guess i have changed a lot in that aspect from my last relationship.. now i am just takin it slow, relaxed and not expecting anything but rather just go with the flow... honestly nothing serious will become of this i dont think rather just a more physical thing just having someone there no pressure which is good....

damn i got soo many things running through my head right now i dont know where to start and which is the bigger problem or issue so right now its like ahh fuk it tomorrow i can deal with that shit why deal with it now right/?????? BUT yes i have to deal with it eventually.

Wel people i have weighed my self to day i am now only 94kg compared to 9 months ago where i used to 105kg.... a friend of mine told me she looked at some old photos last yr at a friend bday and she said damn compared to then and now i have lost heaps or weight... i mean iam still big and "built" but not as big ... hehehehehehehh

confirmed....

2006-06-09T01:36:00.000+10:00

Well people it is confirmed i shall be departing melbourne on the 25th of june and shall be returning well depends on how much fun i have i guess hahahah but i better be back before jo's bday or pretty much when i get off the plane after the bday i will be a "dead man walking".....
I shall be going with my girls miss trang and miss thao to the hectic world of hong kong where they make gangster movies with the same actors and where every fucken chick or guy is so damn skinny..... then off to the famous land of bali to visit the bali 9 hahah then to also visit my best friend barry who i miss dearly after that it will be bak to my homeland malaysia to kl to party party and party then to my sabah where i will be relaxing at a 6 star beach resort YAY!!!

Anyways i just got bak home from visiting miss jo lynn where we went for ice cream when it is 7 fuken dgrees and also it was 12 am at nite...... but it was soooo damn good. What else hmmm well i have been going to the gym 2 days in a row and ill tell u what my damn body hurts so much i wanna cry but i wont cry cause guys like me the macho ones... dont cry right??????

ANYWAYS IM TIRED CIAO PEOPLE.. ALSO LOVE U PETER MUAH !!! THATS LOVE IN A BROTHERLY WAY NOT IN A I WANNA SLEEP WITH U AND MAKE BABIES WAY PETER !!

Insecure...

2006-06-01T01:59:00.000+10:00

Ok this happens every now and again i feel down or just not the same... I think it happens with everyone that they just feel lonely, down, unhappy or just not the same but some other people show it more or hide it better then others. For me in a bit of both i can hide it sometimes but then there are times i need to just let it out either it being pissed, sad, mopy or just deal with it... I guess i have always dealt with my problems and feeling by my self to some degree...

I wonder wat sort of person i really am... am i soft hearted pussy or am i hard as a rock, do i look for people for support and guidance or do i take it all on my own.... My perception of my self is different to what and how other people view me i guess.

I admit there are times i wanna scream and smash every thing in sight and feel like i can handle this no more then there are times i wanna do better, to work harder then i guess i end up where i started.

Its normal to feel insecure about ur self once inawhile to see where u need to improve and how u can make things better... one thing i do think about is how do my friends see me.. am i a huge impact in their life do i mean a lot to them or do some of them just use me and take advantage.... the question is who would rellie be there when i need them cause i have been burnt and hurt and shocked by other people.....

LUCKY NIGHT!!!

2006-05-24T23:59:00.000+10:00

Well i have to say i am very very lucky... tonight i went to crown with peter to wait for everyone to have sandys 21st bday... Anyways i changed up 200 to play just to kill time pretty much, so where i am about then min into the game i placed a bet... I was playing Carribean poker, how u play is u place a bet then u get 5 cards u have to make up either a pair, 2 pairs, 3 of a kind, full house, stright, 4 of a kind, flush etc etc anyways i saw my 1st 2 cards both 8's so i didnt look at the rest and placed my other bet on top of it.. What you have to do in this game is make beat the dealers 5 cards... Anyways the dealer showed this 1st 2 cards a pair of ACES i thought i was screwed anyways to make things worse th next 2 cards were a pair of 2s so the dealer had 2 pair.. I was about to get up then she opened the rest of my cards and i had 4 8's which means I WIN PLUS I GET A BONUS... in that 1 hand i won $5000... not bad ahhh so i left that then went to roulette played 200 and then i won 500 again and after that it was time to go meet the group and have dinner HAHHAHAHAHAHAHH

what a way to finish the night..

No idea what to use as a title...

2006-05-20T18:34:00.000+10:00

Hello people..... Anyways today is saturday and i just spent the last 4 hrs in glenny. The boys and i didnt do much but i had a lot of fun.... We went for lunch at P Stone after that me tuan, peter and john went to play games hhahahah i spent $50 on the skill testers trying to win soft toys hahahah and i won like 9 toys.. After that we went back to the cafe bored out of our brains and we played BIG 2 HHAHAHAHAHAH we havent played that in yrs (like the old days in h.school) anyways it was fun just chilling and relaxing....

Well on Wed i went to Tasmania to visit an old friend for 1 night... I arrived at 1pm and went to a winery stright away had some expensive unique food enjoyed the view... After that did a bit of site seeing then went bak to the hotel to relax. It was a relaxing boring trip but hell it was good for me i guess.... One thing i didnt enjoy though was the FLYING. For all u people who know me 1 thing i am scared of is flying i am shit scared of it... The feeling that if u crash u gonna DIE!!!!!
I guess i dont like the feelin of having no control of the outcome...

Anyways yea i saw the Di Vinci Code... not bad i give it a 8 1/2 out of 10 prob not as good cause i know the ending plus i read the book but it was as good as i thought....

Wave of thoughts...

2006-05-11T02:37:00.000+10:00

Well its been over a week since i have last blogged hahahha i gotta keep the people entertained right???? Anyways Today.... I got a hair cut and also dyed it to a Orangy Blonde... it looks alright plus i also got it cut at a korean joint. Its not like my other hair cuts, i guess i look more Fobby hahahah but nah its alright i guess.

Ok ive not had a good day i guess... I have been hvaing dizzy spins or head spins all day eg at the hair dressers, i was having a meeting with someone also there, driving home and also at home in bed... My eyes start going like left to right and hard to concentrate and my head starts getting light headed or something i dont know... People are saying it is due to lack of sleep but i dont know ive had a lot of lack of sleep in the past but never felt like this...

Well I will be going to Brisbane next weekend for a get away trip i guess... i want to chill out and relax and i guess have some time away from melbourne... Ive been under alot of stress trying to fix things and rearange all these things and yea its doin my head in... Also 1 of the main reasons is to see "........" the people who know me know who it is... I guess its been 1 1/2 yrs now and yea it will be different seeing her again after all these times... I have been talkin to her for the last 3 nites just chatting no talking of feelins/ the past/ and so on but yea.... I wonder if we can go the w/end together without saying anything... But thats the past no point talkin about it right???

Ok here has been 1 thought that i have not told anyone... I was thinking about moving to the city and spend like 4 nites there and 3 nites at home just to be at home with the family but 1 thought that as been running through my head a lot is mayb its about time to move on.. I always talk about moving on and the actions and changes i need to go about doing it eg my life style, friends, work, blah blah blah but maybe the real change i have to make is everything and that is ... Leave Melbourne... I mean i stay here and i want to change and i have but in the end everythign is still the same.. I mean if i want a new start maybe its time to start fromt he very beginning... maybe its time to move to a different state and start a new life and make sure i learn from my past mistakes.... what do u think??

u knwo wat i should try sleep
nite nite people

INSOMNIA.....

2006-05-05T03:24:00.000+10:00

OK this is driving me nuts... the last 2 nites plus tonight i cant sleep... what is going on with me... The last 2 nites i went to bed at 7 am in the monrning and only got like 5 hrs sleep and now it is 3.30am and i cant sleep. I went to bed at 11.45 laid in bed for 3 hrs and nothing im still awake.

Something is on my mind and i dont know what it is.... I was laying there before in bed and all these thoughts were running through my head and i am trying to figure what is bothering me... i feel it but i dont know what it is... Maybe i need special help....

Uncertainty.....

2006-05-03T05:54:00.000+10:00

Its 6 am Tuesday morning and i am sitting at the comp unaware why.... I was laying in bed for 2-3 hrs trying to sleep but thoughts kept running through my mind, whats going on???? I look back now and its not surpose to be like this im turning 23 this yr.... I was meant to have finished my University with a degree, i've meant to have a job by now, i've meant to have a relationship or some thing along those lines.... When did i lose track of all these things, when in my life did i forget and lose sight of these things.

I had it all planned when i was in High school, back then life was sooo simple i had a stable relationship, all i had to do was study, i had no major problems with my life and i was looking forward to the future meaning what has been the last 5 years of my life... One thing for sure is i never planned for problems, for failure, for matters like my parents divorcing, me losing my business, me not going back to school.... Well what can i say, i cant regret the choices i have made now can i cause it wont solve anything and it will just make me feel worse.........

I dont know what this year holds for me i really dont all i know is that i have to make it work i have to get back on track and i have to make my life worth while, there will be no exceptions this is my LIFE AND I MUST MAKE IT!!!!This year yea i have done a lot of it alone and all by my self not like the past having people carry me but this year its different people have changed... Yea a lot of people have showed their true colors when u have nothing they leave, when you have things going for you they come back, i guess its human nature... But there are a few i can trust and i know who would never turn against me Barry ( but ur in another country) Lisa who has never used or abused my friendship and yes there are others but u dont wanna hear all about that.

So its 6.03am tuesday morning and i am sitting here at my computer... so u ask whats running through my head at this point at this very specific point in time the answer.... Im lonely, i miss the feeling of having someone lay next to me and i can hold them knowin that that slight cradle of their fingers around mine can make the world feel so complete and make all those problems fly away like they were leaves swept away by a gust of wind.... But that does not matter, why because i have other priorities that come first, I am lonely but that can wait, you have to sacrifice things that you cherish and yearn for to succeed and get what you want.... I guess that word "LONLINESS" it can wait until i am ready that word will be pushed back into the mists of my clouded mind until things are complete.......

The Past.......

2006-04-27T18:59:00.000+10:00

Im sitting her reflecting on my life the last 22 yrs of it and esp the last 1 yr of my life..... If u know me very well and have been incontact with me for the last 6 months i guess you would know i have been through alot in every aspect of my life with work, family, money, friendships and yea pretty much everything.

Right now i have to say i am very content with my life with how it is going... Everything has setlled down and i guess i am getting my life back on track.... 6-9 Months ago i guess i could say i derailed and was heading towards "shit creek" or if not i was already there. I was about to give up, i made some bad decisions, i hurt people i cared about and also i didnt know where to turn....

I guess the saying "what doesnt kill you will only make you stronger" and its correct, I believe i am not the same Nathan i was but a "new nathan" which has learnt a lot, experienced more in the last 6 months then i have in many years of my life and also someone who has opened their eyes to the real world and realised shit aint gona fix itself so i better sort this shit out my self....And i have to admit it i have been doing that and i guess i am almost there.

I have took the 1st step to the people i hurt in the past to correct my wrong doings, i have piad off a lot of debts that i thought i could never repay, i bought 2 cars this year and i shall be getting my BMW soon and also for once i actually fell happy once in awhile... I mean i am sorting out the issues that have been haunting me and it feels great to beable to fix them... I guess i have become a man who doesnt run from his problems now but faces them no matter the consiquences.

Just recently I ended a 5 yr relationship which has never been a relationship hahahahah... how do u ask ahahahahhahah well what can i say i like complicated things.... All i guess i can say is the conclusion was it is possible to love someone but at the same time be with someone else and it is also possible to love someone and not be in a relationship with them....

IT'S THURSDAY TODAY AND I WANAN GO PHD but no one wanna go with me :(

Ahhhh Ha...

2006-04-27T03:20:00.000+10:00

Well wat is there to blog about..... SHIT LOADS but what am i going to blog about ehhhh who knows. Anyways, It was Lisa's bday on Monday where she has turned the big 22 where she is no longer YOUNG!!!!! We had dinner at Shine in glenny, then after that well me and some of the boys went to Bubble.... I didnt think bubble would be fun but it turns out it was awesome, I went with a friend Maria as well and i've been trying to master this dance move called "running man" with her damn it is soooo hard. I tried it and failed multiple times, then finally i got a hold of it sorta... After lookin at other people i finally got the hang of it and NOW I CAN DO IT... YAY!!!!

It seems everyone is having relationship problems... today 2 of my mates broke up with their gf/bf and also another friend come to me for advice with his relationship.... Its funny that this friend of mine keeps coming to me for advice the guy who has not had a gf for like 1 yr and before 3 yrs hahahahah, but i have to admit the advice i give him it makes sense because it is what i have learnt in the past with previous rela... learning from my mistakes, from my problems and also making sure i dont repeat them every again......

Anyways went to watch a movie today with 2 of the guys... on the drive home with David we had the discussion of what type of girl we like.... We realised that me and dave have completly different taste in women in looks and personality i guess... So what is my taste in women do u ask............................ well the answer is ???????????????????? ehhh i didnt really come up with a real answer.. but i tell u what when i find it or HER i shall tell everyone all about it. Its funny also i met this girl last week at a club, i was sitting there then we just started talking, ive noticed her the last couple of weeks and i find her very attractive. Anyways we talked then when it finished i brought her home... then met up with her @ Bubble on sat again.... I find her very beautiful and attractive but personality wise i doubt we shall ever click for the factors she is mainlander, and she is mainlander hahahhah......... nah i guess it is just to hard to connect in that sense... ehhhh no worries i guess it never hurts to make a new friend.....

A new blog entry to my new blog...

2006-04-12T01:58:00.000+10:00

Yea well i have not written in a blog around a year now.. well mayb not a year but for quite a long time...I have decided to make a new blog, the reason why I've changed a lot since the old blog, I've been through a lot since the old blog and all in all i am not the same Nathan I used to be. I have changed, I have developed, I have learnt, I have experienced and if it is better or worse i guess God is the only one who can decide that.